Single and Dreading to Mingle!

I read an article today in CNN about the low marriage rate among blacks in the US. As is wont, I connected to the topic instantly! (Not being black ofcourse, my interest was in the 'low marriage rate' thing) The writer was a 30 year old black woman, well educated, with a few past relationships that never resulted in marriage. Was proud to wear the 'Single' crown for long, but wavering a bit now. Not because she feels a genuine need to get married, I presume, but because of this question below:

'Why are you still single?'

Alex, a colleague at office, asked me exactly the same question yesterday. Alex is 34 years old, and his eldest kid is 11 years old. He has been married only once, almost a minority in Moscow in his age group, built a house recently and built most of its interiors on his own. The plumbing, the wallpaper, the entire kitchen, the windows... all built with his bare hands! He has been working on his house for the past 1 year and is taking a fortnight's annual leave to complete it. An ideal family man! May be a bit more too. But that's not our topic now anyway.

The question was 'Why are you still single?' Because I don't want to get married! I get panic attacks when any girl friend of mine makes dreamy eyes at me. The moment a girl shows the slightest interest in me beyond the short term, I hallucinate about rabid women, obsessed with getting married to me, in classic-white christian bridal gear, flower bouquet et al, chasing me down narrow, RGV-style, dirty, side-alleys of ancient european towns! (Ok, I cooked up that european town scenery, because Dharavi isn't sophisticated enough for a white costumed bride)

But the crux of the matter is, I panic at the very thought of marriage. And I simply summarized it for Alex, 'Because I don't want to get married!'

An Indian married colleague who was sitting there, heard through the conversation, wisecracked immediately. 'See Alex, that's what all guys say if they are single at 28! He may be looking for a girl actively, but never succeeded in getting married! Which is why he's not admitting it!'

What the......??

I minced no words in vehemently denying the preposterous charges!! Except for a momentary lapse of reason that is regretfully still haunting me, I never wanted to get married at all! I was expectedly offended! A mortal wound from a worth adversary, I welcome, but not thy sly arrows in the back, dipped in the poison of falsehood!!

But I thought about it later and realized that this is what will drive me to get married one day, if not anything else! Like that writer of the article. She mostly enjoys being single, but is too uncomfortable to answer that 'Why still single?' question. That may be the only motivation to get married for a lot of singles! If you don't, one day you'll run out of all convincing reasons to tell people. 'I don't want' isn't an answer anyone will take! Then someone will say, 'The truth is, he never got married, coz he COULDN'T!!" Followed by ugly smirking faces, crooked smiles, villanious laughter in the background, people pointing large dirty fore fingers at you (in semi-dark, unlit alleys of ancient europe, if you are particular about scenery)!! Oh, My God!

Will this society ever spare the singles? What's wrong if someone doesn't want to get married? That doesn't mean, even for a moment, that I don't respect the institution of marriage! Or that I'm not interested in the opposite sex! (Or any kind of sex, to be politically correct)

If I have to benchmark myself against Alex, I see that there is a lot to his life that isn't there with me. He got married at 22, had a kid at the age of 23 and twelve years down, he is building a loving house for his loving family! Pretty. Almost like a bollywood film of the 70's! Only the mandatory 'family song' is missing! In 10 years from now his eldest daughter will probably get married or get out of the house one way or the other. If I ever manage to have a kid for myself, given the legendary 'losers' reputation of unsuccessful singles like me, I'd barely have gotten them out of primary school by the time Alex lived a lifetime and got ready for grand children!!

But the other side of the story is, what is it that I have that he doesn't? I say, what I have is a unique, powerful concept that drives revolutions, evokes dreams of peace, causes bloodshed, conjures up images of greenery, angelic faces and white pigeons - 'Freedom'! Yes, that is what I have! Freedom. Of thought, expression, dressing, travel itinerary, and toothpaste brand. I intend to preserve it until the last dying breath of my bachelorhood, whether or not coinciding with my last biological breath!

Not convincing enough for you? Umm.... I....... well, you know! To think of it, even I'm not as convinced about it now, as I was two days ago!

This bloody society! Now the fear of a loser tag is looming larger than the fear of matrimony!! I sincerely hope it will pass... Pray with me friends! No, pray for me! (not in a religious way, if you read my previous post)

Religion's Comments

Theoretically, both of you are right. Religion, after all, is an institution invented by man to 'achieve God'. So how can it impede its own purpose?

Every time a new religion is established (like so many have been , in the last 2500 years), it stands as a true testimony to the fact that the existing options have become too restrictive, regressive and elitist! Otherwise, why do you need a new religion? Who will follow it, just for the novelty factor? A new messiah, including Buddha, Christ and Muhammad, gives a 'new way' to the world because the old way is perceived 'redundant'. The new religion too eventually falls into the same traps, because the institution of 'religion' demands rules, organization and propogation! And these very factors defeat the purpose of all religions.

If you ask what stops an individual from crossing over to explore other religions, you are being too naive! True tolerance exists only in the drawing rooms of the intelligentsia. Religion breeds and actively supports prejudice, discrimination and defence. And it isn't always upto a follower to follow. It is the institution that dictates. Are you saying that a muslim woman practices pardah willingly? Or caste discrimination in hinduism is a myth? Christian intolerance is imaginary? Why do almost all people you know, yourself included, look to marry people within your own 'caste' and 'religion', if you claim to be a religions liberal? Is it 'individual choice' that 99% of marriages in the world happen within the same religion?

I'm saying that man has experimented too much with religion. And people are slowly realizing that it is a failed institution. Including Islam, the fastest growing religion in the world, all religions are seeing a steady decrease in believers.

And I think 'Religion', in its 4-5 thousand years of existence, failed to be a uniting force, failed to bring together humanity, failed to eliminate the barriers of race, language and culture. So we need something drastically different! One might say, is it religion's duty to unite the world? I would say yes, going by the claims of each religion. What kind of 'path to God' is it, if it isn't universal and discriminates based on color, race and IQ quotients?

I will go further to say that all the philosophers who gave their message to the world too were restricted at some level, by their birth/adopted/invented religions. The biggest evidence to that is that no single messiah, guru or philosopher has been able to unite the human efforts for achieving God. If anything, most of them succeeded in dividing them further! No one is expecting an instant answer from them. But a path to the answer. Christ's message of Love promised to be universal enough! But what kind of Love for humanity is it, that excluded the Jewish moneychangers during Jesus' life time and excludes pagans even today?

I'm not criticizing anyone who tried. All I'm saying is I feel the approach taken so far, Religion, has been a failure. Someone's got to say that aloud!

@Vrunda

"Understanding other religions will not make you any less a believer in your own religion." Well, we should tell that to Islam and Christian religions whose foundations (among other things) are the concepts of 'kafir' and 'non-believer'. Wars have been raging for centuries and millions have been killed over these two terms. 60% of world population is covered under these two religions or their offshoots. The rest of the world follows its own ways to deal with outcasting non-believers. How can we deny that religion restricts?

Individual freedom is a sham. Forget practising Islam, my mom will lose her wits if I tell her that I'm eating beef while remaining a Hindu! Try going to any temple in India in a burqa and you'll know whether individual choice truly exists! Buddhism, the most liberal religion in our knowledge didn't allow women, almost 50% of the world, into its most sacred moansteries for 2 millenia!!

Understanding other religions shouldn't be restricted to english language books in philosophy. If a religion can't be universal enough to be accessible to everyone, it failed in its basic purpose! In that sense, all religions failed so far. That, I feel, is the strongest argument to abandon the institution of religion to move forward!